Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?

When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state,
the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package.

“Only the Ten Commandments,” she replied.

–author unknown

health – a different perspective…

An elderly couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven.
The faithful couple were recognized by St. Peter and escorted into the welcome center, where they began to take in all the wonder and amazement of the place.
St. Peter pointed out the food court and told them that they could, of course, eat anything and not worry about their health.
The husband quickly began partaking of the pastries and deserts.
The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the joy she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how happy she felt to be there.
However, the husband began looking quite grim.
His wife inquired what the problem was.
The husband sneered, “If it weren’t for you and your oat bran muffins & health food, we’d probably have been here 15 years ago!”
   
John 3:36 He that believes in the Son [Jesus] has everlasting life [Heaven]: and he that believes not in the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him [hell].


what’s the answer?

The following riddle was written by a woman in California, USA, over 100 years ago in the late 1800’s.

God made Adam out of dust,
     But thought it best to make me first:
So I was made before the man,
     According to God’s holy plan.
My whole body God made complete,
     Without arms or hands or feet.
My ways and acts did God control,
     But in my body He placed no soul.
A living being I became,
     And Adam gave to me a name.
Then from his presence I withdrew,
     For this man Adam I never knew.All my Maker’s laws I do obey,
     And from these laws I never stray.
Thousands of me go in fear,
     But seldom on the earth appear.
Later, for a purpose God did see,
     He placed a living soul in me.
But that soul of mine God had to claim,
     And from me He took it back again.
And when this soul from me had fled,
     I was the same as when first made;
Without arms, legs, feet, or soul,
     I travel on from pole to pole.My labors are from day to night,
     And to men I once furnished light.
Thousands of people both young and old,
     Did by my death bright lights behold.
No right or wrong can I conceive;
     The Bible and its teachings I can’t believe.
The fear of death doesn’t trouble me;
     Pure happiness I will never see.
And up in Heaven I can never go,
     Nor in the grave or Hell below.
So get your Bible and read with care;
     You’ll find my name recorded there.

Think you know the answer?  Text me, and I’ll let you know if you’re correct.


10 things you won’t hear at church

Things you never hear in church . . .
10. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
9. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
8. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
7. I’d like to  volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Jr High Sunday School class.
6. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
4. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.
3. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign.
2. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.
1. Pastor, we’d like to send you to a Bible Conference in the Bahamas.

 



about lying . . .

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog,the clergyman went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying,
beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute.

Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said: “Oh..All right, he won…give him the dog.”

so you like your long hair?

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that.
You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….”

To which his father replied,”Yes, and they walked every where they went!”

 1Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3“that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” 4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:1-4


“children ask the darndest questions…”

A preacher’s little boy inquired, “Daddy, I notice every Sunday morning when you first come out to preach, you sit up on the platform and bow your head. What are you doing?”

The father explained, “I’m asking the Lord to give me a good sermon.”

The little boy said, “Then why doesn’t he?”

the monastery

“Two Words”
Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence’ and the Chief Priest said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”
Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: “Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.”
Brother John said, “Hard Bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” the Chief Priest said. “We will get you a better bed.”
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. “You may say another two words Brother John.” 

Cold Food.” said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. “Today you may say another two words.”

I Quit.” said Brother John.

“Well…It is probably best.” said the Chief Priest. “All you have done since you got here is complain.”

 

Catholic power

Joke day:

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds in her local town. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned

Since Sister Mary Ann was in a hurry to see this patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m becoming Catholic.”

– author unknown

How many commandments?

John and Jane were not a very religious couple but tried their best; they only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, “John, it sure would be nice to see you and Jane here more than once a year” “I know,” replied John, “But, we’re very busy people, leading active lives but at least we keep the Ten Commandments.”

“That’s great,” the minister said. “I’m glad to hear that you keep the Commandments.”

“Yes, we sure do” John said proudly, “Jane keeps six of them and I keep the other four”.

 

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

 

1. Do not worship other gods.
2. Do not worship idols.
3. Do not misuse God’s name.
4. Keep the Sabbath holy.
5. Honor your father & mother.
6. Do not murder.
7. Do not commit adultery.
8. Do not steal.
9. Do not lie.
10. Do not covet.

Which ones are you keeping?