The Perfect Pastor

Does Your Church Expect the Perfect Pastor?

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone’s feelings.

He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church janitor.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church.

He is 29 years old and has 40 years’ worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens.

He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church.

He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over!

 

Praise the Lord…

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “PRAISE THE LORD!”

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!”

Hard times set in on the elderly lady. She stood on her porch and shouted “PRAISE THE LORD. God, I need food! PLEASE LORD, send me some groceries!”

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.”

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”

Who’s driving who?

One evening Billy Graham’s jet landed in his home town and a limousine was waiting to take him to his home. As he started to get in, he said to the chauffeur,” In my eighty odd years and I’ve never driven one of these things. Would you mind if I drove this evening?” The chauffeur saw nothing wrong with the idea so he let Dr. Graham behind the wheel.

Up the road sat a rookie trooper working radar and was ecstatic when he clocked a limo doing 70 in a 55. He pulled out and had the limo stopped fairly quickly. He took the driver’s license and with great surprise saw who he had pulled over. He went back to his patrol car and called his supervisor. “I’ve pulled over a stretch limousine with someone very important and I understand that we sometimes make exceptions for well known people.”

The supervisor asked, “Did you stop the governor?” “No, someone more important than that” replied the trooper. “The president?” asked the supervisor. “No” said the trooper someone more important than the president.” “Who could possibly be more important than the president?” asked the supervisor. “I think I’ve stopped Jesus” said the trooper, “Billy Graham is the chauffeur.”

What church?

A farmer from a small rural town moves into the city. On his first visit, he notices a large immaculate church on the top of a beautiful mountain. Although this farmer had been a Christian since childhood he had never attended church much because he was always farming.

One day, he approaches the big church in his best Sunday clothes, an almost new set of overalls.

As the farmer walks past the Mercedes and Cadallics outside, he meets the head deacon, who stops him at the door to ask if he could help him.

Acknowledging the attire of the farmer, the deacon recommends that he might want to sit outside for a minute and re-think his decision to enter, because he might feel sorely out of place in this big church. The farmer sits on a bench outside and begins to pray: “Father, I just wanted to enter into Your house today, but this man says I don’t belong…please help me understand. Tell me what to do.” Moments later, the farmer hears a voice that proclaims: “That’s alright My son, I’ve never been to that Church before either.”

Love one another

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light in front of him turned yellow. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by speeding through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, signaling hand profanity to the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. Then I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.”

“Naturally. I assumed you had stolen the car.”

 

Let’s not just talk about being a Christian, but truly live the life of one. 1 John 3:11 – “Love one another.”

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. ‘What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!’, he said to himself. 

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. 

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: ‘Oh my God!…’

Time stopped;…the bear froze;…the forest was silent….

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

‘You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?’

The atheist looked directly into the light and said: ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now; but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?’

‘Very well, ‘said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed….

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: ‘Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive, and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.’

Acting up in church

I realized this morning that all work and no fun makes James a dull boy. Therefore, I’ve decided that it would be best to add some humor to our discussions. Here goes nothing:

One Sunday, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little boy called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”